This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I have never related to a cat more
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots