ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
#gardening
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”