“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period