Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Pigeon open mic night.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.