Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My life coach traded me.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-