Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.