This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.