If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
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Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
nature’s most graceful animal
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.