Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Bloody internet 😳
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face