People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.