“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Thank you corporation very cool
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
A dad and his duck
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot