Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’m awake but I object,
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.