*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
馃槀
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I鈥檓 not even remotely funny
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My patience has stretch marks.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
male coworker: how鈥檚 it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you鈥檙e not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 馃檨
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you鈥檙e fired.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 馃槀
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people