Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.