Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
what?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.