If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me trying to reach for my goals
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*