I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here