Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”