I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
when you are just born a rebel
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.