man i love columbo
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
i’m still crying at this
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.