My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute