Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF