Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
bought wrong eggs
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”