Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.