When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?