Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Beauty and the Beast
🍛
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…