I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Only a mother’s love …
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.