[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
This could’ve been an email.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them