If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.