‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.