They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.