“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store