My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
time for some seasonal decor
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I want what they have
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not