We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Got him!
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.