Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.