If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Kids: We鈥檙e hungry!
Me: You鈥檙e in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Mistakes were made
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He鈥檚 not ignoring your text, he鈥檚 sounding it out. Give him a second.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son鈥檚 cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there鈥檚 only room for one fake doctor in this family
馃檲 See no evil.
馃檳 Hear no evil.
馃檴 Monkey beat-boxing
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.