i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.