*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Look at this
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”