The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I amβ¦Driving a forkliftβ¦Sipping a beerβ¦Lifting up my boss’s carβ¦
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I donβt want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if Iβll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
There is no try. There is only give up.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
π΄: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Iβm honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, βThey filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. Itβs a documentary.β
My last name is Zilla.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard