Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
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Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.