Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”