[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
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#SaturdayBears
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.