Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids