Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There’s never enough good news
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows