I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
People buying plungers never look happy.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.