cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Why you watching this shit?”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*