My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
You Might Also Like
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.