Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Lmao
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The funk soul brother
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.