Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.