hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.